We all have worries and they can take many forms. They tend to change through early childhood into adolescence from worries about monsters under beds or in wardrobes to worries about academic performance, friends, death and war. Psychologically, worries can be considered to help us predict the future, plan for it and protect ourselves. As an example, students often talk to me about worries about tests, expressing for example: what if I don’t get any right on my spelling test, I won’t be able to do my GCSEs and then I will never go to University! A positive side of worries is that by predicting this future they can spur us into action. If we didn’t worry about tests, we wouldn’t necessarily feel the urge to revise. Worries do have the potential to grow exponentially to absorb all of our thoughts, feelings and actions. As examples, they can affect us physically for example we can feel sick or dizzy. They can affect our thoughts; we can think in distorted or unhelpful ways, believing something negative will happen and unable to see any other possible outcomes. They can also affect our behaviours and we may feel unable to control them for example, getting angry, avoiding situations, fidgeting or being clingy. If worries get out of hand and begin to impact our enjoyment of our everyday lives then we need to do something about them.
An example
Raza was referred as both his family and his teacher had concerns that Raza expressed worries about ‘everything’; he appeared nervous and anxious frequently at school and at home. Recently, he had been on a part time timetable due to concerns about his emotional well-being as he was struggling to leave his Mum in the morning and was getting upset frequently throughout the school day. When I met with his Mum she described that he is like her shadow, he likes to be near her and doesn’t like to be away from his family. She described him as a natural worrier and that he demonstrates worries about things that have happened and that could happen, for example about the fire alarm being set off at home and breaking his arm after his sister fell off the trampoline and she broke hers. Raza’s Mum noticed that Raza often expressed worries at bedtime and it could then take a long time for him to settle.
Adults felt Raza would be receptive to meeting with me, when I met with Raza, he described lots of worries, he described that he is ‘worried about lots of things, spiders, bugs/flies, blood, being away from Mum’. I asked what he would call the worries if the worries had a name, and Raza described his worries as ‘the Jibbbers’. We discussed how he felt, thought and behaved when he had worries and discussed what he could do when the Jibbers came along. We practiced some calming activities and worked through some problem solving/worry solving activities, challenged some of the Jibbers and talked about some ‘what ifs’. We arranged a worry box at school and a worry time at home and shared a worry tree with his Mum and teacher so that they could help him ‘worry solve’. Raza used his worry box and became increasingly able to challenge his worries and use calming strategies. His time in school gradually increased as he felt more comfortable and strong emotional responses decreased.
Top tips for worries
Discuss what worries are
It can be helpful to talk about what worries are when calm and relaxed, including what happens when the worry comes along, what you may think, how you may feel, what you may do. Stories can be a great starting point for discussions, for example, Piglet in A.A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh often shares worries. Books and films can also contain examples of what to do when strong emotions such as worries come along and how they can be managed. For example, Mr Jelly uses a counting strategy. Breathing strategies, visualisations and physical activities can also help (have a look at the Exam Blog for an example of a visualisation). Also discussing naming the worries, like Raza called his ‘The Jibbers’ can help reduce the power the worries can have over us.
Plan time to share worries and problem solve worries
Worries often come out at bedtime and can make what should be a calm, relaxing time stressful. So, it can be helpful to plan a daily ‘worry time’ to share worries, ideally well before bedtime, perhaps after tea/dinner and before bath/shower time. If a worry comes up before then it can be helpful to acknowledge the worry, draw/write it down and put it in a worry box/tray to effectively ‘park it’, it can then be looked at during worry time. Some children can also find completing an emotion diary helpful that can then be shared at worry time. The emotion diary can include columns to record firstly what happened and then how they felt, what they thought, what they did and what happened next.
During worry time allow time to talk about the worry, ask them to tell you about the worry and to explain it. It can be helpful to validate, saying for example you understand but don’t necessarily share that worry, reassure and explain why not. Discuss the what ifs and gently challenge the worries, how can we check this? Before we try and find out, what does the child think we will find out?
As an example the following worry is shared: ‘I am worried about the spelling test, I am going to fail and get 0 out of 10, everyone will laugh, I will have to stay in at lunchtime, I won’t pass my GCSEs then I can’t go to University’. Now for the challenge - has this happened before? Can we look at the spelling book together to see how you usually get 7 or 8 and a smiley face from your teacher, so does this mean you will/won’t pass your GCSEs? Let’s do something about it and let’s practice spellings tomorrow after school.
To help problem solve worries a visual structure such as a worry tree approach can be helpful. Worry trees follow a basic structure of: identify the worry and decide - can we do anything about it? If the answer is no, let the worry go and think about something else. If you can do something, make a plan together to deal with the worry, decide who will do what and when and then think about something else. As an example see: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/worrytree.pdf
Some worries we can talk about and let go of. It can be helpful to go for a walk, talk about the worries and leave them on the walk by blowing them away with a big breath out. When it is hard to let go it can be helpful after working through the worry to draw the worry and/or write it down then, when comfortable that the worry has been dealt with to physically put the drawing of the worry in the bin and throw it away, physically throwing the worry away with the rubbish.
If the worry is a regular situation, it can be helpful to develop strategy cards focused on the worry that can be kept and referred to as needed. Raza for example identified bugs as a worry which will undoubtedly come up again and again. A strategy card may say for example, ‘when there is a bug near me, I will try to do some belly breathing, move away calmly and tell a trusted adult’. The strategy card can be read regularly with them and they can keep them, for example on a key ring. Social stories provide a similar approach and a helpful structure. For further detail regarding social stories refer to: https://carolgraysocialstories.com/ or have a look at Carol Gray’s New Social Story Book
Practice calming strategies when worries are not in control
When we are worried or upset we can find it difficult to think clearly so it can be helpful when calm to practice a range of calming techniques such as breathing, visualisation, counting backwards etc. We all find different strategies helpful, Raza found balloon belly breathing one of the most helpful strategies. This is where you put your hands on your belly, breathe in and let the air fill the belly like a balloon and slowly breathe out and feel the belly balloon deflate. Examples from books or films such as Mr Jelly’s counting strategy can be helpful, as can visualisations and children often tell me they like mindfulness activities, I especially like the activities in ‘Sitting Still Like a Frog’ by Eline Snel, 2013.
It is important to practice the calming techniques when calm in the same way that we practice fire drills, because when the worries come along our ability to think reduces and the worries can take over.
Thank you for reading – I hope this provides a little insight into managing worries and I hope the tips are helpful.
If you have concerns about a child/young person struggling with worries it may be helpful to involve an Educational Psychologist.
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If you or someone close to you needs urgent help you must contact local services.
Useful books/resources:
These are some of my favourite books and resources for children and adults:
Overcoming your child’s fears and worries by Creswell and Willetts
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner
Help! I’ve got an alarm bell going off in my head by K Aspden which explains what happens to the body when feeling anxious and ways to manage the feelings.
The Big Book of Calmers by Mosley and Grogan