Change is a certainty; some changes can be exciting such as surprise parties and events but some changes can be unpleasant such as surprise tests or going somewhere only to find it is closed.
Children and young people often tell me they dislike changes at school, especially changes of teachers, changes in the environment such as seating changes and changes in planned lessons. They also describe concerns about changes out of school, for example, when they are unsure who is going to pick them up, changes in sports activities timings, unexpected shopping trips or family visits for example. Changes can lead to strong emotional responses including upset and anger and at times behavioural responses of lashing out or avoiding situations where there may be unexpected changes.
Change is inevitable, learning how to manage and adapt to changes are key skills for children and young people and there are things we can do to help.
An example
Ash was referred by her school as she often got upset and sometimes had toileting accidents at home and at school during times of change. School staff described that she has good relationships with adults in school and is making expected progress. However, school staff and her parents shared concerns about her ability to manage her emotions when there were changes. School staff described that she could be inconsolable at times, for example when her teacher was absent and always found the change to a new teacher in September extremely difficult. At home Ash’s Mum described that she often looks at the class timetable on the fridge and the family calendar and would ask her Mum repetitive questions when there were any changes in routine. Her Mum described examples when Ash struggled to control her upset, for example when the time and day of her swimming lesson changed, when her Gran had to pick her up and when they had to go to the shop after school. Her Mum also described preparing for holidays as ‘like a military operation’, she described that Ash wants to know exactly what time they will be doing things, what they are going to be doing and who is going to be there etc. At school, staff try to alert her parents to changes such as new teachers/adults in the classroom as much as possible to help prepare Ash.
When I met together with Ash’s Mum and class teacher we discussed planning for changes, both expected and unexpected and also planning for and contriving safe changes for Ash to support her in getting more comfortable with change (see the tips below). We also built on her keenness to know what was happening and gave her some responsibility to gather information for school trips and to be an ambassador for new pupils to share information about the school and answer their questions. Ash was keen to engage in strategies to help manage change and as a result incidences of upset reduced.
Top Tips
Plan for expected changes
Routines and predictability are important to all of us to help us feel safe and secure. Family plans/calendars and timetables on the fridge are a great idea, especially with ‘chunks’ of time around mealtimes, rather than prescriptive exact times which can be difficult to keep to and can cause more stress when timings change.
It is helpful wherever possible to plan in advance for expected changes, such as holidays, trips away, appointments etc. for example, by making a scrap book or a powerpoint about the event and including for example, information about the environment such as where the toilets are, who may be there and where and what you may eat/drink. Discuss the ‘what ifs’, for example, what if the café is closed, what if it is really crowded, what if one of you get lost where will we meet up?
If there are common ‘changes’ such as appointments, it can be helpful to summarise the scrapbook into a strategy card or social story that can be kept and referred to as and when needed. For example, ‘when it is my appointment I will take my reading book, my juice bottle and if my appointment is late, I will try to…’. For further detail regarding social stories refer to: https://carolgraysocialstories.com/.
Planning for unexpected changes
Although we don’t know what unexpected changes may occur we can plan generally for unexpected changes. For example, it can be helpful to have pre-planned calming/relaxing activities developed with the child/young person such as dot to dots, word searches, reading, colouring, note books etc. that are kept in a folder/box in an agreed place and that can be accessed at times of change.
It can also be helpful to contrive safe, small, ideally enjoyable changes to develop the ability to manage and feel comfortable with change. For example, by adding a ‘surprise/change’ symbol/sign on the fridge timetable/on the family planner. Ensure you document the contrived change i.e. take photos so that they can be shared regularly to highlight how changes can be positive.
Managing unexpected changes
There will always be unexpected changes, things that are out of our control that lead to changes, changes that we can’t predict that can catch us all out, for example the washing machine flooding the kitchen and you need to move out for a few days. When there are unexpected changes it can be helpful to verbalise for example: “I know you find it difficult, I am here, I know it’s a big ask” or use a response which follows a similar structure each time and becomes a ritual/script response, for example, following a structure such as:
1. Acknowledging the change
2. Stating what is happening instead
3. Saying/explaining why something has changed
4. Exploring/sharing the positives
For further detail/examples of ritual responses refer to Louise Bomber’s book ‘What about me?’
You may get lots of questions, try to answer them but be honest if you can’t answer them. Again, validate the concerns, reassure and repeat the ritual response. Ensure access to the change/calming box/folder.
Thank you for reading – I hope this provides a little insight into managing change and I hope the tips are helpful.
If you have concerns about a child/young person struggling with managing change it may be helpful to involve an Educational Psychologist.
Do look through our list of services and contact us for further information.
If you or someone close to you needs urgent help you must contact local services.